


I Don't Know What We'd Talk About

by JackFool



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Connor has feelings he doesn't understand, M/M, Post-Pacifist Best Ending (Detroit: Become Human), Pre-Relationship, brief references to Hank's suicidal tendencies, but it's still pretty chaste, so he monologues about them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-20
Updated: 2018-11-20
Packaged: 2019-08-25 12:59:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16661533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JackFool/pseuds/JackFool
Summary: While in Washington after the revolution, Connor decides to call Hank.





	I Don't Know What We'd Talk About

  


_-dialing number-_

  
  


  
  


***click***

  
  


_“Hey, you—uhh—you’ve reached Hank Anderson’s phone. Try texting next time it works better. Leave a message or whatever.”_

  
  


***beeep***

“Hello Lieutenant, this is Connor. You must be asleep already, which seeing as it’s 12:34am on a Wednesday I will take as a good thing.

“I apologize for calling so late, we’ve been in meetings most of the day and this was the first free moment I’ve had. I also apologize for not contacting you sooner. I’ve considered it a few times, but you’ve mentioned your distain for the current Congress and politics in general and since my day-to-day here involves much of both, I have refrained. I will however text you upon my return to Detroit, as promised.

“I hope you are well. I heard the evacuation order was officially lifted. Did you ever bother to leave? I doubt it. Did you find the quiet of the city comforting or strange? Either way, with the evacuated residents returning the city should return to normal soon. Perhaps that is foolish to say in light of recent events. The city might be full again soon but it is forever changed.

“Much has changed in the past two weeks.

“Is Sumo well? I saw a bandana earlier in one of the many gift shots around the district. It was designed to attach to a dog collar and had ‘I’, then the image of a simplified heart, then ‘D.C.’ printed on it. There was one I believe would have fit Sumo and I considered purchasing it, but I was uncertain of your opinion on such accessories. I have purchased other small gifts to give you however, I hope you will enjoy them. I enjoyed picking them out.

“How are things at the station? Your suspension should be ending soon if it hasn’t already. I am sure it has been quiet, but things are sure to pick up. We are living in uncertain times.

“I spoke with the director of the FBI recently. He has assured me that Perkins will not be causing any more issues with our investigations or anything else. I explained to him your role in assisting the revolution and he agreed Perkins will not be pressing charges. You’re welcome. I heard that Perkins was back in Washington, but I have not seen him.

“It’s warmer here than in Detroit. It is still quite cold, but there is no snow. It did snow for a while our third day here, but the majority of it melted by the weekend. What’s left sits in grey heaps on the side of roads and next to shaded buildings. It must have been easy to clear the streets with the city near empty, so returning residents will not have that to worry about.

“We have been visiting many of Washington D.C.’s attractions during our stay—Markus, North, Josh, and I—in between meetings and on rare days off. Some visits have also been more scripted, for media publicity. Photo Ops and ‘impromptu’ speeches to help garner support for the legislation we’ve been working on. But other visits have been quieter, more personal. Blaine, one of the aides, has been helping us during our stay. Officially, he assists us with scheduling and makes sure we get where we need to be in time, but he also serves as our self-appointed tour guide of the district.

“He is very familiar with the district and it’s workings. He knows how to most efficiently traverse the metro, where to go when you need something tailored quickly and where to go when you need it done well, the best times to visit the museums when you want quiet, the best places to eat. That one is not really relevant to our needs, but I still like knowing.

“One day, we briefly visited a bar/restaurant that also hosted a small bookstore near the entrance, and regularly held poetry readings in a small event area. We attended one such reading, on a rare night off, trying to be incognito. We however were quickly recognized and warmly welcomed. Markus enjoyed it quite a bit and spoke with the current owner at length near the end of the night, well past the event’s end. I also found myself enjoying the performances. I am not certain I ‘get’ poetry, but I can appreciate the passion. I have been trying to explore more while I am here, allow myself to feel. Poetry is good for that I find.

“Blaine has also been sharing with us the history of the district, of which there is much. Some has been in the context of museum visits, but most has been while simply walking the streets. Why monuments were built where they are, stories behind the names of streets and metro stops, how many stores have occupied a building built 100 years ago. It is all quite useless yet all quiet fascinating.

“Did you know, Lieutenant, that Washington D.C.’s borders were artificially defined? Land from Maryland and Virginia was donated for the founding of the district and the lines were deliberately drawn. By contrast the states borders formed more organically, drawn in around the populations that lived there and down natural borders such as rivers. Today the Potomac river serves as the south border of the district, after Virginia retroceded their donated land, but before then the district was a perfect square. 16 kilometers on each side and unbeholden to the shape of the countryside. 

“How strange that must have been. Such an artificial shape in the center of all the irregular, organic ones that came before.

“…

“Today we took a walk through the West Potomac park, saw the famed cherry trees in their winter form. Blaine told us we should see them in the spring when they are blooming. He says it’s beautiful. I believe I would like to, but I find it strange to plan so far ahead. It is hard to comprehend existing for that long. I was programmed to complete my mission as efficiently as possible, then return to CyberLife for evaluation. I thought of time in hours and days. I was always deactivated between missions, while memory files were back up and systems evaluated, for stretches of time I can only determine when I calculate the difference myself. It has been 14 days, 23 hours, and 43 minutes since we touched down in Washington. Between now and when we left the station to speak with Kamski is the longest I’ve been consecutively active. Over half of my life has been spent in Washington. It would be easy to stay, to see the cherry blossoms.

“When I spoke with the FBI director, he offered me a position in the bureau. To stay, in—ostensibly—the place I know the best. He said the FBI could use someone with my expertise and skills. That I could help guide the bureau through this transition, help pave the way for others. I remembered your bitterness when Perkins came in to take over the deviancy investigation, your disdain for the ‘feds’. I imagined your shock if I returned as one of them. I told him I would consider it.

“That was two days ago, one of the times I considered calling you previously. I spoke with Markus about it instead. I know he has gotten similar offers, that he could also stay as long as he desired. I asked him what I should do. He said it was my decision. I knew that, but it was still strange to hear confirmed. I asked if he intended to take any of his offers. He said no, that he needed to go home eventually. That he enjoyed Washington as a place but hated the atmosphere of the Capital.

“I also feel that, a need to go home. Probably sooner than Markus will. Not as soon as either of us want to.

“I have no intention of taking the director up on his offer. I knew almost as soon as he asked, but I said I would consider it simply because I had the option to. A small act of self-determinism, but one I enjoyed having. I would not go turncoat on you, Lieutenant. Besides, while I have enjoyed my time here, Detroit feels like home. I am still learning exactly what ‘home’ is, outside it’s literal definition of a permanent residence, but from what I do understand, my home is in Detroit.

“As your home is, I recognize. I know in a literal sense you have lived in the city all your life, grew up there, have served it in your capacity as a police officer for over 30 years. It’s where you raised your son and where you lost him. I am certain you know the city as intimately as Blaine knows Washington. I hope you will share your knowledge with me some day. There is much I haven’t seen of the city. Much I want to.

“…

“I miss you Hank, I’ve come to realize. Part of me wonders—hopes, really—if you miss me as well? There is evidence to support the idea: your request for me to meet you at Chicken Feed, your offer to drive me to the airport, your request I contact you upon my return. You seek out confirmation that I am safe in the times we are separated. These actions indicate a fondness and it could be reasonably assumed that during our current separation, you miss me.

“But there are other indicators when someone is missed, such as attempts at contact. The others will often contact members of Jericho still in Detroit. Sometimes for updates on the situation there, but often casually. Markus will speak with Carl often, and he, North, and Josh will speak with Simon for stretches of times. Sometimes together, but also individually.

“If you did miss me, then why have you not called or messaged? I gave you my number so that is not the issue. Logically, I should assume since you’ve made no attempts to contact me since my departure, you do not, in fact, miss me.

“However, I also have made no attempts to contact you in the previous weeks, despite, in fact, missing you. Deeply.

“But now I have called. And you are asleep. Another sort of missing. Hah.

“I have discovered that when emotions are involved, decisions do not always follow logic. I was able to recognize those patterns while studying deviants, but it is quite another thing to recognize them within myself. I am still getting used to that. I am still getting used to a lot of things. Like not having to check in with CyberLife anymore, not having my uniform, not having missions pop up in my UI without personal approval, being alone, unsupervised. _Feeling_ things, letting myself feel things.

“Feeling alone.

“…

“Do you feel alone Hank?

“Humans are social creatures, I know, yet you seem to deliberately isolate yourself. You have Sumo, but a pet is not the same as human companionship. You have many friends, from what I have gathered—acquaintances at least—and you are generally well respected at work. When I found you at Jimmy’s bar you were drinking alone. Not truly alone, as the bar was relatively busy, less alone than when I found you passed out in your home, but you were alone by virtue of not acknowledging the people around you.

“I know there is a difference between being alone and feeling alone. Perhaps your actions indicate you prefer solitude to company. You continually tried to distance yourself from me while we were working on cases, asking me to stay in the car, walking off alone. But then suddenly you began seeking me out. I do not know what changed, or why. Was is based on your shifting opinions of androids? Or did you see something in me, specifically? Are you even aware of this shift? Emotional actions do not often follow traditional logic.

“… 

“I have been thinking a lot lately, Lieutenant. Dwelling ins probably the more accurate term. Not on the past, as you tend to, but the present. I dwell on all the things I do not know, what I do not understand. I feel…precariously placed. I do not know how to handle these new thought patterns, the emotional drives that overwrite my code in ways I cannot anticipate. They threaten to overwhelm me, have overwhelmed me on occasion. Feedback loops of emotion with no focus that strain my pump regulator. I do not always know how or what I feel, only that I do.

“I should speak to one of the others about this, I know. They have more experience with emotional regulation. I mentioned it briefly, once, more as an abstract idea and in reference to the trend of recently turned deviants to lash out violently. North made a comment about how humans had nearly 20 years of practice before they were expected to self-regulate and self-determine consistently, while we were expected to ‘just figure it out’ in a matter of days or weeks. ‘Trial by fire’, Josh had added.

“Still, I hesitate to speak on my personal experience. There is so much work to be done, I don’t want to burden them further. Markus is always in a meeting or making an appearance or preparing for the next one of either. If tourism wasn’t part of our itinerary, he’d have no rest. North tolerates my presence but still distrusts me, for which I cannot fault her. I also distrust myself. Josh has been kind and has made a point to be welcoming towards me, but I can tell he is still uncertain.

“He, like Markus and I, seems eager to return to Detroit as soon as possible. Mostly to help Simon with the efforts there. They are planning a center, to help aid androids through this transition and provide support. The city has donated some land with an old warehouse on it that will serve as the base. They seem very excited.

“I am uncertain what I will be doing when I return to Detroit. I will assist with the center if needed, of course, but I am uncertain if my presence will be welcome. Ideally, I’d like to return to working with you at the station, but I am also uncertain my presence will be welcome there either. I know I will be unable to return to investigating cases right away. I have no official qualifications or standing in the department. A downside of legal personhood; I must now prove myself. I don’t think I mind.

“Would they let me visit you, assist where I can? Or will the department bar me due to my involvement in the revolution? We did break quite a few laws while infiltrating CyberLife tower. I may have a criminal record now. You may as well. How deviant of us.

“…

“…

“You didn’t have to do that Hank. You didn’t have to help me. I appreciate it, and I appreciate how you distracted security as I left with the liberated androids, but you did not have to. I am uncertain why you did.

“…

“You could have died, Hank.

“Was that your intention?

“…

“I feel the need to make a confession. Two confessions actually. I have not been fully truthful with you and while I do believe them to be harmless obfuscations, there is a growing tightness in my thirium pump that I believe is brought on by the emotional strain, and if everything is already confusing and you are still asleep, they why not confess?

“Lieutenant. Before I…I implied that I had been too busy with meetings to contact you at a more acceptable hour. While this is partially true, today was a busier day than usual, my last meeting ended at 7:42pm. While I could argue that calling during the dinner hour is considered rude, I doubt that you would have minded. I also doubt you were in fact eating dinner at that time, taking into consideration your poor eating habits. And if you were, I am certain it would have been informal enough that you would not have minded taking a phone call.

“But I am avoiding my admission. Lieutenant, the reason I called so late in because before making my decision to call you, I had spent the previous 3.87 hours walking the streets of D.C. alone. Not technically alone, as the city hosts a surprisingly vibrant night life, but I did not participate. I walked the darkened monuments, past the poet’s bar, over old bridges and through the park, by the riverside. I did not tell anyone where I was going, did not in fact, know myself. I was alone by virtue of not acknowledging the strangers that passed, who in turn did not acknowledge me. Alone with my thoughts.

“I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Thoughts I don’t understand the purpose of but still posses. It’s hard. Its is so very hard to separate who I am and what I am feeling from what I was programmed for. Is my fondness for Detroit based on the fact it is my place of origin? The center of the deviancy crisis I was intended to solve? Where I first because aware of myself as an individual entity, capable of self-determination?

“Where I met you?

“Because, Lieutenant, that is the other confession I feel I must make. I have been thinking about you. A lot.

“It’s easy to attribute that to me mission you, and in fact it was one of the reasons I made my realization. I have often wondered how your acerbic wit my react to the comments of certain Senators we meet with. You, rolling your eyes, sitting back in your seat heavily in response to an inane comment. I see a dog-walker pass on the way to an event and think of you, taking Sumo out for a walk in the half-deserted streets. I see food trucks gather around office builds at lunch time and take note of the ones that fit your tastes. 

“Most of this is harmless association, but there are other time. Times where I find it hard to think of anything _but_ you. Where I becomes distracted because I am attempting to pre-construct your reaction to a comment. Where I find myself replaying memory files of you instead of focusing on work. Where I see a pair passing by on the mall, holding hands, and I wonder what your hand would feel like in mine.

“When I thought of returning to Washington to see the cherry blossoms I thought of returning with you. When I thought about ‘home’ as not a permanent residence but a place of comfort and safety, I thought of you. The concept of a future measured in increments longer than hours and days seems much less daunting if you are there as part of it.

“I want that. I want…that. A future, a place, a home. I want you to feature in all of it. I am uncertain of myself, I am uncertain of my feelings and my thoughts, but I am certain of that. Have been certain of for a while now.

“Yet…

“Yet, again, how much is me and how much is my programming?

“I was deigned to integrate positively into any partnership. Is my fondness for you because you happened to be assigned as my partner during my field testing? Were my reactions coded for you specifically? I cannot be certain what my feelings for you have roots in. My programming or your kindness.

“I am not certain it matters anymore.

“Because Lieutenant—Hank—there are things…There are thoughts I have had that I can be confidant CyberLife never programmed into me. 

“I have a third confession.

“While I was alone and walking through the park, I came across a couple who were very much not alone.

“They were obscured by bushes, but I noticed their presence by movement. Then sound. My first reaction was to report them for public indecency, why I moved closer. Then I saw them. They were still half hidden, but I could see enough. They were too busy acknowledging each other to notice my presence. My motor functions were still all intact, but I could not execute a command to move. When I tried, some other part cancelled it immediately. I was effectively frozen in place.

“I know what sex is, that is not what stopped me. I know it in the clinical sense and am able to recognize the act as part of my investigative function. I know that humans tend to enjoy it, both the physical sensation and as a form of connection. I know that many humans ascribe meanings to the act, as religious or emotional expression. I knew, but I did not understand.

“I did not understand how _much_ there could be. How much feeling could be carried through simple motion. I could see, without knowing either participant, how they felt about each other. Limbs obscured by other limbs, lips pressing, biting, tender. Hands splayed over naked flesh, fingers brushing down over the sensitive skin of an exposed stomach, eliciting new sounds and new motions. And I thought. Thought for the briefest of moments, what it might feel like if that were me and it was your hand brushing down my stomach.

“What feelings would be carried through that motion?

“Then the couple moved positions and I feared being discovered. I was able to execute a command again, but I still hesitated. I wanted…something. I wanted to understand what had happened. I wanted answers in response to the churning inside me. But those answers could not be found in a national park in the middle of the night. So I left, moving quickly away from the hidden couple, leaving them to their motions as they echoed strangely within me.

“I still wanted answers.

“I did not know where to find them. Felt overwhelmed by feeling I could not name or comprehend.

“When I came out of the feedback loop, I felt drained. I did not know what to do next. All I knew was that I missed you.

“So I called.

“And here we are. Or, here I am. Alone. You are 633.920602 kilometers away and asleep. Alone.

“Or perhaps not. 

“Perhaps I am only projecting my thoughts and feelings onto you because you are just familiar enough for me to believe I understand you and I am just confused enough to seek validation in another. Perhaps you do not miss me. Perhaps you are glad of my absence. Perhaps you are alone but do not feel it. Perhaps you are not alone at all. Perhaps you are and do, but an android is not the same as human companionship. Perhaps you do not desire a future that involves me.

“Perhaps my image of the two of us in the positions of the couple in the park was simply an error, brought on harmless associations. I was not designed to be active this long, errors are bound to occur. False connections to be trimmed away later once I am more certain of myself. I should not place any bearing on the event.

“Yet I cannot stop thinking about it.

“…

“Hank, I—”

***beep-beep***

  
  


_“Voicemail full. Would you like to re-record your message? Press four to—”_

  
  


***beep***

  
  


  
  


_-call ended-_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! This was originally a backstory piece I was only writing so I could reference it in a longer fic I'm working on, but then it kinda got away from me. I'll link it here once I actually finish it.
> 
> The title is taken from the song "Home" by LCD Soundsystem


End file.
